The listing of issues I can’t be getting my spouse for Valentine’s Day is kind of intensive. A pony who can stomp out “I like you” in Morse code with its hoof. A visit in a non-public jet to Paris, the place we’ll ascend the Eiffel Tower and watch a specifically commissioned fireworks show that decorates the skies of the Metropolis of Mild with crimson hearts. A reproduction of myself, in chocolate. A hot-air balloon trip the place we clink glasses of Champagne whereas listening to Pavarotti.

Additionally, a private, app-controlled, USB-rechargeable beverage mug.

Oh, what a tiresome brute with whom she’s solid her lot, you say. However hear me out. For a second, I thought-about it. The mug, I imply. (Pavarotti, it seems, would not be on the balloon trip personally as a result of he’s lifeless.)

I noticed the mug at an enormous blue-and-yellow-hued electronics retailer, and I used to be intrigued. It promised that one’s espresso would by no means go chilly once more. We had, as a species, conquered the final frontier. Your espresso wouldn’t solely keep scorching, it might keep the exact temperature by means of the length of your ingesting expertise.

How, you ask, how is such a factor doable? You enter the specified temperature, and the saucer retains a eager eye on issues, warming up as wanted. However how? Is there a dial on the aspect of the cup? No, in fact not. It is accomplished with an app in your telephone.

Why do you look so confused?

“You imply the mug connects to my telephone?”

After all. What does not?

“OK, however why?”

To make sure espresso perfection. You inform it what you need, and the app instructs the saucer what to do.

“What occurs if the web goes down? Does my espresso immediately evaporate, and the cup has an error message on the backside: 404, beverage not discovered?”

I do not know; I am going to must learn the guide.

“What occurs if I neglect my password to my espresso cup?”

I assume you employ the standard password restoration course of, whereby you request a reset, get an e-mail, reset the password and, relying on how you’re feeling about safety, you arrange a two-factor identification in your espresso cup. It is a pretty quick course of, so your espresso will not lose greater than a few levels earlier than you will get entry to your account and improve the temperature.

“Gee. What an enchancment. If solely the espresso cup would ship me notifications.”

But it surely does! You possibly can set it up so it may possibly provide you with a warning when the battery is low, or the temperature is outdoors of your required parameters, or the Bluetooth connection has been interrupted. I am certain you possibly can set the preferences so should you go downstairs along with your telephone in your pocket, and the cup is upstairs, you’ll not get an alert or e-mail that claims the telephone has misplaced contact with the espresso cup. Though I can think about a state of affairs through which that might be useful.

“Actually? You possibly can? What is the matter with you?”

Did I point out the value? It is most likely lower than you count on. The 12-ounce cup is $129. That is $121 greater than the cup I exploit. Granted, it is a dumb mug, nevertheless it does not faucet me on the shoulder on a regular basis to inform me its contents are getting chilly.

I ponder if the inventors thought they had been liberating individuals from a cabinet filled with mismatched mugs. One want solely have this one, washed every day, recharged in a single day, prepared for the morn. No extra cluttered cabinets!

I perceive that need, in a method; we find yourself with extra mugs than we want, and it is exhausting to winnow them out as a result of they every have their very own which means, their very own attachment to an individual or time. Cannot toss any mug Daughter purchased. Cannot toss that one — I purchased it in New York in 1987. That one? Keep your hand, that is a Christmas current from 1993! That one’s from Father’s cabinet; I should not use it, as a result of I’m not a World Warfare II Navy vet, however I do not assume this qualifies as stolen valor.

And so forth. Each time you attain within the cabinet and pull down a mug, it brings a narrative with it. The concept that I would sweep all of them out for one buff-black internet-enabled app-connected espresso cup — effectively, it is ridiculous.

Anyway, Glad Valentine’s Day to my beloved spouse, and I hope you loved the internet-enabled flower vase that sends you textual content updates when the flowers want water. Sure, it most likely has a safety flaw that may let hackers take management of our garden sprinkler system and empty our checking account, however I am fairly certain the firewall will maintain the vase from taking up the internet-connected furnace.

By the best way, if the flowers look droopy or the vase is empty, it would imply the app wanted to be up to date and also you did not do it. What’s that, expensive?

No, I do not understand how we lived with out it earlier than. I assume we had to make use of our eyeballs, and that might imply wanting up from our telephones. I do know: virtually medieval.